Thursday, January 08, 2009
down the road
I've been feeling kind of dismal lately. Times are hard. We all know this. We all feel it. And while I know I have much to be grateful for, I still couldn't shake off this feeling of everything is wrong. Everything isn't wrong, of course, but sometimes we just have to go through the dark times. It's where we learn some of the most important stuff, even though is sucks to be there.
After half a day spent on the computer yesterday, I dragged myself off the couch and went out for a walk. It was clear and sunny and just beautiful outside - much clearer than my own head. And I started up the road, muttering to myself about all the things that were bothering me. I grumbled about money, about our decision to refinance the house and stay in Taos another year or two, about the possibility of having to get a real job for the first time in 16 years, and then about my feeling that nothing I do here matters much to anyone, while everything I did in Ethiopia mattered a lot. What am I doing here anyway? The "answer" I got was: Well then, find something to do here that does matter. What, what, what??? was my next question, but there was no obvious answer.
I walked on up the road, noticing that it looked like it just ended up there at the top, while I knew and trusted that it turned left and right and kept going, even though I couldn't see it from where I was... kind of like Life. We walk along through it, thinking we should be able to see the future and plan for it, when in reality, we don't know what's ahead of us until we get to it. I kept walking, thinking how I trusted the road to offer options once I got to a certain point, and getting that I need to trust Life to do the same. The road under my feet is all I need to be concerned with at the moment.
I still don't know what to "do", but it was a good walk. Think I'll go again today and see what the road has to say.