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Thursday, January 08, 2009

down the road



I've been feeling kind of dismal lately. Times are hard. We all know this. We all feel it. And while I know I have much to be grateful for, I still couldn't shake off this feeling of everything is wrong. Everything isn't wrong, of course, but sometimes we just have to go through the dark times. It's where we learn some of the most important stuff, even though is sucks to be there.

After half a day spent on the computer yesterday, I dragged myself off the couch and went out for a walk. It was clear and sunny and just beautiful outside - much clearer than my own head. And I started up the road, muttering to myself about all the things that were bothering me. I grumbled about money, about our decision to refinance the house and stay in Taos another year or two, about the possibility of having to get a real job for the first time in 16 years, and then about my feeling that nothing I do here matters much to anyone, while everything I did in Ethiopia mattered a lot. What am I doing here anyway? The "answer" I got was: Well then, find something to do here that does matter. What, what, what??? was my next question, but there was no obvious answer.

I walked on up the road, noticing that it looked like it just ended up there at the top, while I knew and trusted that it turned left and right and kept going, even though I couldn't see it from where I was... kind of like Life. We walk along through it, thinking we should be able to see the future and plan for it, when in reality, we don't know what's ahead of us until we get to it. I kept walking, thinking how I trusted the road to offer options once I got to a certain point, and getting that I need to trust Life to do the same. The road under my feet is all I need to be concerned with at the moment.

I still don't know what to "do", but it was a good walk. Think I'll go again today and see what the road has to say.

2 comments:

Michelle (UK) said...

Glad you enjoyed your walk in the snow Kim, looks nice !
What you do really matters to me, as one beader to another. We may live 'miles' apart but I do so love your beads, as you know ! I'm so glad of the Internet to have found you *(by chance I might add) and be able to own some of your lovely creations to put into my own creations for unique jewellery. Please keep making the beads and never give up on Life, I think there's always something new to discover, *even when you're not looking for it !

i-feel-pretty said...

Kim;

this was an beautiful & thoughtful post. I came across it at a time when i could relate EXACTLY. And it IS interesting that you don't realize (or maybe not as much as you should) what an impact your creations and you, yourself have on others after you (think) you have finished with them ( or your work is done).

The beads continue to give beauty & love and awe to the owner (sometimes me) & those who are the recipient of a finished creation (customers). They make me smile. Sometimes i go back to my studio, when in am in so much pain, i can't lift a single tool, and i just take out your beads and marvel at them, and they inspire me. All with something you think you are *finished* with.

Today i went out to see a dr. with such hope & expectations, only to have been met with disappointment, i was inside my head and planning how i was going to *integrate* that into my life today, but i was driving home on tiny rabbit rd. looking over santa fe at the base of so many mountains and snow and the grandness, the beauty...the clarity of it pulled me out of myself.

There is a bigger world out there. Nature finds a way to repair herself and keep growing and awing us. I don't know where i will go from here, nor do you, but to be a part of it all, is to trust that we ARE going somewhere that is right for us.

~peace & love. and thank you. again